Dwi Sumari

End of Feb!

2011-02-23T11:12:00.002+08:00

Its already coming to the end of February and the last time i blogged was early January, i havent been on a long Hiatus.

As always the days pass by so quickly the next thing you knw its already March..Haha, my 2011 has been fair for me, i dont have anything much to complain about..

Im back in Shipping Line and its back to permits,vessels,vessels and more vessels..as much as i LOVE shipping line. This company is using a system which i find it hard to adapt too .. Guess nto all shipping companies are the same are they? .. I wish i could catch up and be independant soon, i cant expect them to help me 24/7.

As usual, im always lost for words when it comes to blogging .. Bye Bye ..

New Year

2011-01-07T14:57:00.004+08:00

I know New Year has passed way back .. Above are just a small amount of preview on my New Year, No SBP for this year..a little bit laid back with the kekaki-ans friends..

I found this on Board of Wisdom i thought i should share :

It started unexpectedly,

and seemed unimportant at the time

but it wasn't really.

For ot was the day you became "mine"

My best friend through thick and thin.

Young and full of dventure we were

and i was always telling you everything.

Every secret shared with giggles.

Pacts to stay friends forever.

Soon university and distance separated

and we knew we couldnt be together.

Not forever.

But this was the 21st Century

and E-mail was all the rage

4 hours every night we talked.

Our chats could fill a book not just a paragraph.

They say distance makes the heart grow.

My feelings strenghtens every day

"Does he love me too?" i would wonder

One day he told me

That he loved me

and i have never been so happy

in all my life

But you were away

and heart ache and longing hurt me.

It was decided to be "just friends"

You said you weren't "right"

cause if we were you'd be here tonight.

Friendship was best.

Friends forever

just not together

but i was still in love with you

and you moved on.

what happened to our plans?

well they are all gone.

and now today we no longer speak

life took over

and those forgotten packs grew weak

I still think of you, every single day.

I wish that i could move on.

but i dont want things to be that way.

"I had alot of emotion & typed automatically what my heart felt, not planned, bad rhyming scheme, im sorry"- by the author

Such Errors !!

2010-12-21T15:36:00.002+08:00

I couldnt stop laughing to myself!! .. Im sure we always have this tendecy to like re-read our old posts, and i did .. Definitely out of boredom and i couldnt help laughing .. Like, i have so many grammar mistakes and my Rants on LOVE .. Hahaha, i suck when it comes to not controlling my own emotions .. Damn !! i sound really desperate too !! .. yes, i am embarassed .. Trust me, i really am .. haha ..

First and foremost, i wont be regularly updating my blog .. Its mostly cause i dont have anything much to say .. Take a look at my previous posts for eample .. Short sweet and simple, i could have tweeted instead .. Or its either i dont find the time to blog as a matter of fact im blogging now at work ..

I get all jittery now at work, so many tasks, assignments an things yet to be learned and i just fret i might not be able to do a good job .. but, ive been given motivations by my colleagues and mum .. So i could most probably do it .. Im usually not a mistake prone person when it comes to work .. but, my head at times couldnt really move at a fast rate and i get funny questions marks up my head ..

Hahaha .. and im realising now that im blogging crap again .. Heh, might as well just shut up for now ..

Money

2010-12-17T23:46:00.002+08:00

We are living in a world where 10cents are nothing .. and $10 isnt even enough for a two days full lunch meal .. Everywhere we go even at certain areas we need to pay 10cents-20cents for toilet usage, dining has extra service charge and valet needs extra money .. Even going through and fro from places require some amount of money .. This here are those smole details, we shall now get into bigger details ..

To get married, you require money not only for the event itself but for the future afterwards .. Kids school fees, house maintanance .. Like i dont need to cook at some days .. Hospital fees, check up fees all sorts of fees, when im married .. I cant depend for my parents help, im an adult an i have my own responsibilities an tat one of them is my daily income to them still .. If we were to own a car, thats money too .. WHAT MEN DONT REALISE IS NOWADAYS, WOMEN ARE VERY INDEPENDANT, THEY CAN WORK AND WORK FOR BOTH OF THEM AND FOR THE FAMILY ..

Im not money minded, i dont need a lawyer, a police officer, a firefighter, a surveyor, a bunker officer as a husband .. I just want a husband whom knows his responsibility whom knows at a certain amount of monthly allowance isnt enough for a months survival .. We are living in an unfair world .. EVERYTHING IS MONEY .. yes love no, we need no money for lov but we need money to create a family out of love .. Its VICE VERSA .. am i being redundant for thinking this way? .. I just need a husband whose stable in what his doing .. I might not only want 3 kids .. I might want to have 4 or 5 ..

Why is it that i am taken wrongly? .. We are in a survival mode .. I dnt want no fancy car or fancy house .. I just want someone whom knows whats going on around the world, we need to stop being delusional and be rational at times .. THIS IS LIFE .. I've worked my way up the ladder, not only for myself but for my future .. I want to have enough even when im old .. I want to go on multiple honeymoons and holiday trips .. Im not asking for much ..

Disgusted

2010-12-16T10:20:00.002+08:00

So, everytime i feel all not right i blog right? .. and say things about my relationship .. but, when i feel a litte bit better and went on reading it.. I feel disgusted by it ..

Cause i somehow try to tell myself that relationships are best kept hidden and not poured out and yeah .. I have that strong urge to delete the previous post ..

Likewise i hate being seen that way, so..so..so whatever ..yah, im criticising myself here .. laugh, haha .. cause im putting up my -.- face ..

Funny how much i dont have anything much to say ..

Back to Square 1

2010-12-12T23:44:00.002+08:00

Im back to who i am now, inconsiderate,stupid,unbelievable,pressurising all that negativity you would want in a GF ..

Im even more fragile now with the fact that ive actually made up my mind ..

But why is it that i keep crying randomly ... I need it to stop, i hate flashbacks and i hate tears ..

My wrist is healin pretty well ...

Back to 2009

2010-12-10T11:11:00.004+08:00

That is my PUFFED up eyes, havent been sleeping .. Back to those days arent i? .. I never thought i'd blogged about it again one day .. But here i am .. Still feeling wuzzy and angsty .. My left hand died on me a few hours back .. Convenient heh ..

I promised myself, i wont let myself in..I just did a few hrs back..I dont know how to learn and trust anymore..making me feel like im not worth really..you degraded me with your words..

I dnt knw what more to say..

Easy said than done...

Karma's a Bitch, ill just shut up, watch and see it happen, from a simple text and phone calls to something more..OK NOW TYPING THAT CRACKS MY EYES AGAIN!!! .. I'd pretty much rather be alone, i hate my left side, loving my right side was a mistake, he brought me down like trash..sooner or later,i'll be cheated at..I dnt think i even want to go there .. Id start a fresh,somewhere..Ive done it before,i can do it again..='(

I really dont want to say anything anymore....
I feel used..yeah,i guess thats the word...thats how u put words in my brains..I give in easily, and i gave i to you..and now i even feel disgusted to even have slept with you..you,really brought me down..

Just once chance to see you,just one..Even for a min..It'll make me happy...It'll make me very happy girl ..

I FEEL DEGRADED!!

Not Bothering to Even Bother ..

2010-12-09T22:42:00.003+08:00

Love is a Place .. ----> Who Quoted This ??? Like Seriously ?? ..

I seriously have a problem with that term LOVE ..

Ya, i lied .. ok,partially .. without intentions .. but .. who gives a fcuk for a reason right ?? .. They dont, they wallow you up with no mercy .. So i should show mine ?? .. Even when being honest, you'd still get your throat shoved down with a size 8 Vans shoe and an hour or so of "FCUKED UP WORDS STUCK RIGHT UP YOUR EAR" .. and to think id trade that for an hour of .. "Why is this not working out?" .. " What must i do to have the YOU that YOU i once had" .. "Im sorry, my fault yes .. but now, whose doing shit?" .. "You can have your car key back" .. "Im still holding on to you" .. Kind of talk , ok and a 10 min stop to the Nearest Pasar Malam cause i was STARVING!! .. I litteraly almost shoved my fist somewhere every 5 mins .. so when i come back from irritation .. I DONT NEED ANY OTHER EXTRA IRRITATION !! .. so yeah, most prolly thats why i lied .. Cause i dont think it helps even if i DONT lie .. PARTLY URE HALF TO BLAME !!

Im tired, of having to control that strong urge to cry .. Everytime i feel all watery, i have to try so hard to push it back .. Dont you people ever tire of trying to be strong?? .. Stubborn ?? .. YES IM SO FREAKING TIRED!!!! .. but .. i dont want to let my guard down, i know how i am when i do that .. I know that limitations, i know that hurt, i know that nights .. I DONT EVER WANT IT AGAIN .. In a way trying not to cry and not bother even when i bother .. Its tiring ..

These problems im creating, ive always had the answer, but i always lose it .. They have to do something dumb by making me angry, or "feeding me fables from your fist" .. and .. I cracked my answer and turn back to square one .. Its the same shit over and over again .. Ya, ofcourse i cant tell them ok or maybe HIM that can i ? .. Man has this little bubble ego, that once you POP it, they go all beserk and shit ..

I've seen how i got myself pushed away from the "letting my guard down" .. I've felt it .. They can love/hate me now for this attitude i have with me .. but .. when i let my guard down .. i swear, they'll shove me a away .. Estrang-ing themselves from me ..

You asked me whats my fear? ..
This is my fear .. Telling you what my fear is my fear ..

Fear is a weakness .. A weakness i never want to show .. My weakness of having u shove me away when i turn entirely yours, if im not who i am today, that girl you love and hate at the same time .. Im nothing like this, you'll get sick of my argues over small issues, my cries, my temper, my fit .. and you'd wish, id just be who i am now ..

Finally my anger has been leashed here and NOT in FACEBOOK ..
Yes, my other fear .. Is letting you see or even hear me cry .. as i am now ..

Im Condemned ...

Networking Sites

2010-12-07T08:30:00.003+08:00

Facebook is in Trend now, and certain people vent their anger in it .. I use to do that, and at times i didnt even realise i was humiliating someone, making them look bad (yah,they deserve it) and in need of others sympathy .. But i guess its too childish for that now ..

Some even Public their arguments .. Why? .. Why would you want to do that? .. If really in need of venting it .. why not do it on Twitter? or Discreetly? .. You're telling the whole world about your significant other .. Have you ever spared a thought of how it would make them feel?.. I've been in both positions before and its not COOL .. nope its not .. Publicising it is Childish .. Being "Publicised" is HUMILIATING !!! .. Arguments are made to be between the two of us .. We are all living in a lie in one way or another .. Even if im having a bad time with my BF .. I would very much prefer others have this "They are so happy together!" reaction thrown at us instead of "OH MY GOD! They are fighting again .. Ridiculous" .. No, i dont want that .. So ive been trying to not vent it on Facebook ..

Trust me, the moment i open up my Facebook .. My news Feed is currently infested with some public homosexual (no, i have nothing against homosexuals, i support them alright) relationship fights .. I dont think its fair, no matter how Fcuked Up this other girl is .. I dont think its nice for you to say things about her in Public .. She's good enough to play humble even if she happens not to have such humble attitude .. Give it a break, I know it aches that she's leaving you for a MAN now .. Im sure, you'll pull it through and have someone better right? .. Thats what everyone says to each other when their down ..

Oh yes, one more thing? .. Like you guys havent heard enough of me saying this before .. NETWORK SITES RUIN RELATIONSHIPS !! .. and, yes i've had it First Hand .. and i swear, if its gonna happen the second time i'll prolly have no Networking Sites at all .. and yes my inactive Tagged account has been automatically deleted by the BF .. he says he "Menyampah" just by looking at it .. Like as if i actually do entertain those blood sucking vagina's .. -.- .. No, im not angry he deleted it without my consent .. Tagged aint my thing eventually ..

I cant wait for My Friday to come .. Meeting, Cousins and Auntie .. =))

Start from Scratch ..

2010-12-06T14:40:00.004+08:00

I've started this blog since 2005, and now i have deleted all those previous post of mine .. Im starting a fresh .. Deciding to actually blog again suddenly came across my mind when i have been contemplating alot .. With so much to say and nothing done .. The problems i wish to share and tell but always hold back .. Its even better now that blog's are not as popular now as it was before .. Everyone's started to Tweet or turn into Facebooking .. But i always believe, blogging is still the answer to let that very one to pour their hearts out .. Which in my case, my lungs out ..

I havent been doing anything right but infact been doing so much wrong, i hurt myself and others in the process .. Making decisions that gave me ridiculous outcomes .. Ive seen too many of my friends come and go and i see myself not giving shit about what others have to say about me .. Cause truth is, no one really knows whats going on in our heads .. They just start making assumptions based on that .. I dont blame them, not everyone happens to think alike right? ..

I too have started to realise how much of your friends you cant really trust .. You started trusting one person and pour everything out to them and the next thing you know some other people knows about it too .. The difference? .. The whole story was changed and it made everything looked even more horrible .. I had friends walk out on me and i know to begin with, they were never serious about the friendship for they dont actually respect my privacy .. I dont tell what i want just because youre close to me .. I much prefer to keep certain details close to me .. To the extend where my boyfriend wouldnt even know shit about it ..

Its always those unexpected ones whom are there for you, all the way .. I never asked for a friend to be with me 24/7 .. They just need to be there when they want too .. Not when i want them too .. Thats what friends are for right? .. Skip this friend bullshit .. I cant be talking about them .. Cause i wouldnt know if im a good friend myself ...

Ive been stressing myself with questions, Easy peasy questions but i cant seem to find the answers .. I could litteraly bang my head on the wall .. i cry easily, but im better at controlling my emotions now .. Id rather now cry to myself or not cry at all .. I still have the fear of being a weaklink towards my partner .. Where i use to stand at being the vulnerable one .. I was dumb, i thought my cries of plead infront of him could make him sympathise me .. But i realise i dont need all that crap .. Im an Adult, i deal with my own emotions, and i dont want/need some man to step on my head ..

But, because of my stone headed attitude .. I've hurt my him so much, that he thinks he isnt good enough for me .. Truth is, Hafiz .. You're well over good,you're great..NO WORDS could ever describe you .. It is just me not being good enough for you .. I give way too easily .. The fear and pain of what i felt before still lingers and im afraid .. yes im afraid .. still am .. Without a doubt i know i love you ..